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I try to keep putting new jokes onto this page, if you have a favorite that can be published send it to me.
The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit…She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?" "No," said the little boy............."It's a puppy!" Two older, successful businessmen met at a resort. One who had recently retired was describing his life, "I get up late in the morning, have a light breakfast and then I lie down on my veranda for a few hours and relax. In the afternoon I go inside for lunch, have a great salad, fruits and grilled fish, then I spend the rest of the afternoon boating or playing golf or tennis... When it starts to get dark I have a great dinner with the finest wines. I smoke a Cuban cigar. Then I go lie on my veranda again." The other gentleman acknowledges that this is a life to be envied. Later he reported the conversation to his wife. She asked, "What's his wife's name?" Her husband said, "I'm not sure, but I think it's Veranda."
Why, Why, Why
I am not sure how many of you play golf but for those of you who do these tips are worth remembering: Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls. If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing. No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors. If it ain' t broke, try changing your grip. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck. It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt ... for a 10. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts. It's not a gimme if you're still away. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree. There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it. You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time. If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three. When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe. If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard. To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; i.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph. There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove. Hazards attract, fairways repel. You can put a draw on the ball, you can put a fade on the ball, but no golfer can put a straight on the ball. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours. If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint. It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 AM to mow the yard. Sometimes it seems as though your cup moveth over. A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game. Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot. A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are....that's why I get so many calls to play with friends. That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work. If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life. Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week. A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there. It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps. If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse). You probably wouldn't look good in a green jacket anyway! A sweatshirt will do just fine. It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs and fart if you are performing brain surgery.
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....
Can you cry under water?
A tour bus driver is taking a bus load of seniors on a trip to an Indian casino when he is tapped on the shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts which he gratefully accepts. After about 15 minutes she taps him on the shoulder again and hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this several times until the driver asks the old lady 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?" "We can't chew them because we have no teeth," she replied. The puzzled drivers asks"Why do you buy them then?" THe old lady replied"We love the chocolate around them". IT PAYS TO BE CAREFUL AROUND OLD PEOPLE!
The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission is advising hikers,hunters,fishermen,golfers and tourists to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in Alachua,Marion,Lake,Collier,Lee,Seminole,Osceola,Polk,Brevard,Putnam and Orange counties. It has been suggested that people need to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their shoes or clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly. It is further recommended that a can of pepper spray be carried in case of an encounter with an alligator. It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity. People should learn to recognize the difference between small young alligator and large adult alligator droppings. Young alligator droppings are small and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers. Adult alligator droppings are larger and have little bells in them and smell of pepper spray.
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